An Ode

Yesterday I saw you in the store
You were bright red and shiny
I knew I had to buy you
I did and I brought you home

Today I remembered that you were here
You were in my house, in my kitchen
First I put the bread in the toaster
Then I got out the Miracle Whip and a knife

I got out a plate and then I got you
As I sliced you I saw the juice and seeds trickle out
I knew that you were perfect
The toast popped up

First I smeared on the Whip
Then I delicately laid you on the toast
I sprinkled you with salt
the secret ingredient

I put on the second piece of toast
and smashed you just right
I cut the sandwich in half
I then got ready to partake

I knew when I saw you in the store
I had to have you
I was right
You were delicious

Sweatpants and Tuxedos

When I was a sophomore I used to run around the neighborhood to stay in shape. One Saturday evening I had just returned from a run when there was a knock at the door. I answered to see Brian Ridenour dressed in a tuxedo. To say the least, I was mortified. I was in sweatpants, I was sweaty, my hair was a disaster and I'm sure I stunk. He came in and told mom and I that he was taking Martina to the prom that night but he didn't know where she lived and he needed directions. Mom said that I could just go with him and show him where the house was. I almost fainted. How embarrassing. So I went with him. We actually did talk thank goodness. To sit there in silence would have been a slow painful death. Then as we pull up I start to get out. He tells me that they can drop me off. I explained that I'm already in my running outfit so I may as well run home. In all reality I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Soon after, Brian left on his mission. When he returned the first thing he did was ask me out. He told me he always wished that he could have taken me to prom that night. Soon after our first date we were married. Now we go running together sweatpants and all, but we also like to get dressed up sometimes too. This time we are either both in sweatpants or both in our fancies.

I saw a leprechaun today. He brought me a pot of gold. I took my pot of gold to the bank and exchanged it for some American dollars. Not too wise, I know. So now I'm a millionaire. I am currently flying in my own private jet to my new condo in Salt Lake city and after that I will make a stop to my new ranch in Carson City. I bought both of those online as soon as I got back from the bank. Now, don't worry, I promise all of you a new car. Hey, I've got an idea. If nobody else is doing anything today, let's all go to Ireland right now. That would be fun. Well, leave a comment if you want to go too. Don't forget to wear green.

The other day I was getting my boys ready for school. We couldn't find a pair of shoes for one of the boys. Normally, I would have already been standing by the window watching for the bus. But this day I was looking in the trunk and under the coach. I heard something outside so I opened the door to see the bus was already there. It was about two minutes early. I called Dougan over but the bus was slowly driving away. I figured it was okay because the other boys were running so behind that I knew I would have to drop them off anyway and it wouldn't be that big a deal to drop Dougan off too. So we all got back to looking for the shoes. Then we had to look for the backpack and the jacket. While I was looking for those I thought I heard something outside again. The bus was back, so I called Dougan over again and we went out to the bus. The bus driver started yelling at me that she had been out there for two minutes waiting for me. I told her I had already seen her leave and was just planning on taking him to school myself at that point. She didn't listen and just kept going on about how she's going to be late now because of me. I told her, that I didn't ask her to come back.
I was so upset by the way she was acting that I called the transportation depot. I told them what happened and he agreed that there was no reason for her to be snippy with me. I explained that I didn't ask her to come back and that it was her choice. He told me that normally they don't come back but if they have time they will. Now I was really mad. She acted like I had ruined her whole morning, but really I didn't. She chose to come back because she had time. Okay, so I was fuming and I debated picking Dougan up from school that day so I wouldn't have to see her. Then I decided to let him ride the bus home.
When the bus came she wouldn't look at me. I just stared at her smiling. The next day was the same thing. She stared out her window and I was just smiling at her. This went on for over a week. Then last week I saw her breaking her route and she came up a different street and totally bypassed my house. I waited ten minutes after the time she should have been at my house and then I called the transportation depot. He radioed her and told me she'd be there in five minutes. When they came she apologized for being late and said it was because another parent wasn't there the first time so she had to go back. Hmmmmm. So at least she was speaking to me again. Then on Friday I went to watch Koen's 2nd grade class swim at the YMCA. She was there. She has a son in the same class. I talked to her as if none of the other stuff had happened and she seemed to let out a sigh of relief and talked to me throughout the duration of the swim class. So, it looks like things are resolved and the bus driver is no longer angry with me.

I love you mom

Today my kids were angels. They obeyed every word that I spoke. They played nicely together. I didn't hear a single cry. We spent our afternoon singing hymns. They cleaned the whole house for me. The diapers were dry and unsoiled all day. The only thing I had to do was prop up my feet and watch some Jane Austin movies. When it was time for bed the kids all gave me a hug and kiss goodnight and each told me that they loved me and then they all quietly went upstairs and got ready for bed and fell asleep.

One Year Older

One day when I was a little girl it was my birthday. I was turning 4 years old. I remember that nobody said happy birthday and I didn't get any cake or presents. I was sad but too proud or too shy more likely to tell Mom and Dad that they had forgotten my big day. On my "fourth" birthday I thought it was funny that I had a little secret. Nobody knew that I was really five. They all thought I was four. When it came time for school to start I asked if I could go. Mom said that I wasn't old enough and that I had to wait one more year. I wondered if I should let the cat out of the bag yet or keep my secret. I decided to remain silent.
Over the next years I just pretended I was the age they thought I was. Nobody had a clue that I was one year older. I went through kindergarten and first grade. When I was seven I knew that I was supposed to be baptized because I was really eight. By this time I didn't want to tell anybody because they might be mad that I kept such a big secret from them. So I didn't tell anyone. When I was in second grade we were learning about birthdays. My teacher said that everyone was either born in 1977 or 1978. I knew that must mean I was born in 1976. When I went home I asked my mom what year I was born. She told me I was born in 1977. I did not believe her.
I decided to look in my baby book. I snuck into my mom's bedroom and opened the drawer with all our books in it. As I looked in mine I was shocked to see that my birthday really was in 1977. How could this be possible? For years after I tried to figure out what the heck I was thinking. The only thing I can come up with is that maybe I heard somebody say that it was August 3rd and I thought they said October 3rd. I don't have a clue.

Big Big

In a big big town there was a big big street. At the end of the street there was a big big house. Inside the house there was a big big staircase. At the top of the staircase there was a big big hallway. At the end of the hallway there was a big big door. Behind the door there was a big big room. Inside the room there was a big big closet. Inside the closet there was a big big box. Inside the box............there was.........a big...........big.........booger. AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!